I’m a natural fly-half

Dear Alex,

I have been struggling for the past few years to convince everyone that I’m a natural fly-half, due to an on going commitment to the KOB’s boatracing team and a long term battle with beer, I have not been able to drop the necessary kilo’s to impress the selectors. Mudgee sevens is just around the corner and I think it would be an ideal tournament to make my debut as a fly half. What advice or help from the supernatural can you give me, (and I don’t mean Damian Allen…The Omen.) so I can achieve this inevitable goal of mine.
anonymous.

Dear Sarge (that’s my guess),
As I see it yours is a two part problem.  Normally we only allow one question per person but seeing as you weigh as much as any two normal sized people I think we can make an exception.  Firstly, don’t worry about the beer, I can sense that the battle you have been having with it is not a battle to avoid it but a battle to get it out of bottles, kegs and cans quickly enough to satisfy your elephantine drunken urges.   There are very few calories in beer, so little that if you lived on nothing but beer you would wither away, so there is your answer, live on beer.

The second part of your problem is convincing the selectors you are a fly-half and frankly it would be easier to convince them that the Warrangamba Dam is a glass of water.   However that would be without using the mind control and visualisation techniques developed by the ancient Aztecs of Central America.  I first learned of  these when I lived amongst the Xechitholpe hill tribe of Guatemala, these arcane and mystical powers can be used to convince even the most doubting of Thomases of anything you wish.   I have since refined their techniques to be more appropriate to the modern day manipulator.  You will need a tape recorder, a chicken (preferably vulcanised), an old sock, about $10 in 20 cent coins and some ordinary household string.  Tie the string to the chicken and put the coins in the sock. When the person you want to persuade comes within range, bash him in the head with the coin filled sock.  While he is unconscious you plant the suggestion in his mind by repeating it over and over.  When he is about to come round put the chicken on his chest so that when he opens his eyes it is the first thing he sees, then move away to another room and take the end of the string with you.  Then use the tape recorder to play a prerecorded message that says something like “the chicken says we need bigger fly halves” then quickly yank the string so that the chicken appears to fly off after leaving the message.  Keep doing this at regular intervals, say every two days, until they are convinced or brain dead or even dead at which point you should be either selected at fly half or have been arrested at the instigation of annoyed relatives of the deceased.